I still think of him every day, but that is all I can do. With no contact or news I can do nothing to help him. He will be ten now, but I shall always know him as the seven-year-old who was far more capable and had far greater potential than most people could see. I sometimes think I’m the only one who really understood him. He has been labelled, and that label has taken away much of his identity. I spent many long hours on my own with him and I saw a different side. I saw how he responded to information and advice, how he considered situations, how he thought about prospects and evaluated them. He understood way more than most imagined. At a time when his school was still trying to teach him words meant things, I would address him in complex sentences to give him insights he seemed to grasp instantly. I could give him hints if he seemed puzzled by something and he would work through the logic and be satisfied. His supposedly uncontrollable temper would be appeased by explanations and politeness.

I started off treating him as his mum did, taking her lead for understanding him. Then, as I interacted with him on my own I discovered how reasonable he would be if I just kept him informed. He could be patient and wait quietly if I gave him a reason. He could deal with hazards provided he could see them or was warned about them if he couldn’t. He would be sensible about testing things out for himself. Life was so much easier once I understood his own capabilities. He did not need restraining, it turned out, as long as he had explanations from people he knew he could trust.

His supposed mobility problems were also much exaggerated. He had a wheelchair and Motability car, but could walk for miles. The basis for this was he could not understand the need to go the right way for such things as appointments so would have to be strapped in and taken there. I doubt that very much. From what I saw when people who didn’t know his supposed limitations explained things to him, I think it very likely he could walk to an appointment or ride there on a bus, providing someone told him why he had to go there at a particular time. After all, he knew when he was going to school. His mum never gave him the chance. She just took him around with no idea where or why he was going. She insisted he couldn’t understand, and that was that. When I tried I was pleasantly surprised. I think he learnt to trust me, and I feel I have betrayed that trust.

He was surprisingly agile too. I have seen him get out of a very dangerous flight across a room by curling into a ball and performing a complete backward somersault before straightening out and landing on his feet. He was normally cautious in his movements, rarely jumping or even running, but when he had no choice, launched into the air by a single swipe of an arm, he rose to the occasion and saved himself. His mother didn’t see it and probably has no idea what happened or how he recovered from it, as she had her back to him at the time and was not in the most alert state, but I saw it and recorded how impressed I was with him in my diary. Of course, my admiration was limited to him at that moment. My further opinions must remain confidential.

It wasn’t all positive, of course. Re-reading my diary has reminded me there were times when he was less compliant, less controllable, but I can’t help wondering how much of that was his limitations and how much the way he was treated. He lived with someone at war with the world. He was often ignored or neglected. He was distressed and disappointed much of the time, yet he could be the other things too.

I concluded he is a top down learner; that is, he likes to see the overview or purpose. From there he might want more detail on how to achieve it. Most children are taught bottom up. They are taught to do simple things first, then how to build on that to do more complex things. Reuban needs to understand why before he will take an interest in how. I think he will learn to do things when he perceives their usefulness, but will not be interested until then. So if, for example I wanted to teach him to read, I would first ask him to think about whether he would like to be able to do it for himself rather than relying on others. If he then wanted to know more I would show him the groups of letters and the spaces and explain they represented words. After that I might introduce a few letters and show him how they could be arranged to form words. Teach him what he wants to know and let that lead to further questions to drill down into the detail. I think that’s the way to catch his interest best. Of course, I have no say in the matter.

I do worry about him. I worry he is not in the best environment. He’s capable and I got the impression means well, but is also frightened and needs a lot of care. I worry he’s not getting it. I worry he’s being diminished and deprived of opportunities to grow.

All this, of course, is out of date. I have no idea how he is now. When he was on his own with me he was usually sensible. When his mum was around he often was not. Was he playing the fool because it was expected of him? Was he upset and lashing out? I have no idea. All I know is I miss him and had the impression he had a lot of common sense which was not appreciated and not always shown.

Three years ago I said goodbye to him, thinking he was going for a few days, and I have not seen him since.